Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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