OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize