I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
