Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
