90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
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