Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
