Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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