he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
