Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
