I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
