I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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