i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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