i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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