I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
