Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
