my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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