i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
