I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
