two words: eviction party
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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