Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
