then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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