that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
