I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize