I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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