Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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