I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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