If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
