Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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