a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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