Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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