I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just found a bag of teeth...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
