You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
