How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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