my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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