I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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