Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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