M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
