Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
