I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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