I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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