Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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