My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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