Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
