So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize