i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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