Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
