I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
