The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
