I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
