I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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