well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
