My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
