I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
