I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
