One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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