sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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