When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
