I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
