OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Can Purell be used as lube?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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