you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
