he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize