I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
