I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize