seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize