I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
