4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
