Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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